What is self-acceptance?

It has become fashionable to talk about accepting yourself and raising self-esteem. But for many, these concepts remain an abstraction, an empty sound, mainly because of their use to the place and out of place, and also because of multitude of recommendations that sometimes mutually exclude each other.

But it is as simple as all ingenious things usually are. What do I think about that? I have read hundreds of books on self-development. Some have helped me, and some turned out to be empty. But I rely mainly on my own thoughts and on my own practice of working on myself. And books only help me in this.

When a child is born , he is happy because he is considered beautiful as he is. A baby is not compared to anyone but is accepted as he is. But then “expulsion from paradise” begins: the child starts to be constantly opposed to others. And it does not matter at all whether they consider him better or worse than others. Both cases are equally bad. After all, if a child is considered better than others he wants to prove anyone he really is. If he is considered worse than others, he will begin to doubt himself and also think he is inferior to someone else.

In both cases, a person develops an unstable self-esteem - a person always hesitates between “I am the best” and “I am complete shit”. As a result, he becomes a neurotic.

Self-esteem is, in theory, the self-assessment of a man. But in fact, our self-esteem very early begins to depend on the opinions of others. We are praised - and our self-esteem rises to the skies. We are scolded - and it immediately falls down. That is what we call unstable self-esteem.

Ideally, a person should not depend on external judgments. And for this you need just to stop comparing yourself to others. Just say to yourself: “Jane is Jane, and I am me.” I am not worse and not better than him or her; we are just different. Full stop. And if this is so, I can accept myself and not anyone else. Not in comparison with someone, but just as I am. I am, and therefore I am wonderful! And I have to live my life as well as possible – my own life, and not Jane’s or someone else’s.

Very often I meet recommendations like: “to accept yourself, write a list of your positive qualities”, “write what you are able to do”, etc. As for me, all these tips just don’t work. They are the continuation of the dependence on other people’s judgments. Everyone of us keeps evolving. A person keeps developing; everyone is constantly changing. If today you do not have some quality or you do not know something, nothing can prevent you from developing this in yourself in the future. But you have to accept yourself right now. After all, this is the foundation on which everything else is built. No foundation - the building will collapse. It is exactly the same with self-acceptance.

A normal, natural state of a person is when he enjoys himself. Not because he is the best in something; he just is. That is how little children feel. I am, and I am cool! Right now – I am cool. And I can be even better if I want.

And what about those who compare, who condemn and who treat you negatively? Just forget them. Learn not to care. These people simply do not accept themselves. So how can they accept you?