This is a blog about self-realization and self-development. I am not a psychologist, not a coach, and not at all some kind of "guru". But every day I try to get better. I read a lot of books, think about what I read, and then apply it all in my life. I will share this information with my readers. I hope that it will be useful to many to improve their life and become a little happier.

Pablo Picasso said: "Be who you are." And it is exactly to this — the discovery of precisely our potential — that we should strive for in order to realize ourselves in the life of our dreams.

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What makes us feel unhappy?

Many of us are unhappy with our lives. The reasons may be very different. So what prevents us from living in such a way as to feel satisfied with life and happy?

Everything is rooted in our childhood. Often the parents – frankly speaking, that is not so smart of them – make the child feel that he will fail. They compare their children with those who they consider to be better. Naturally, such a comparison will always be to their children's disadvantage. So the children learn to doubt themselves and not to believe in themselves. A child is taught to “not stand out”, to “be like everyone else”.

This is a trap, because no “everyone” exists. This is an abstract concept - all people are different. To successfully resist such pressure requires a very strong character. If the character is not strong enough, then one gets used to not listening to oneself, not to trust oneself and his feelings.

If we don’t enjoy our life, it is a signal that we do not live our own life, but someone else’s who has imposed it on us. But to decide to change your life, especially radically, you need to believe in yourself: “I can do everything”! But a person who is not accustomed to trusting himself will never have the courage to change anything. He will say to himself: “Everybody lives this way. So why am I better than others”?

And so it becomes a vicious circle. We do not believe in ourselves and do not listen to ourselves, because for this you need to understand that « I am myself, not everybody else ». But for a person who is accustomed to « be like everyone else », this task is daunting.

We also like to blame others for our own failures. Or we blame the circumstances. “If I had married N then, I would have been secured today,” “If I had received another education, I would earn more,” “If I were born in another country, I would be successful,” and so on. If a person feels himself to be the master of his own life, then it is not he who obeys the circumstances, but subordinates the circumstances to himself.

Another reason for our unhappiness is merely our laziness and unwillingness to leave the "comfort zone". As for laziness, it often disguises our fear of failure: a person, in order not to suffer from a defeat, prefers simply to do nothing. A person who does not do anything, never makes mistakes. And this is also the consequence of our education at school - everyone is punished for mistakes, which does not encourage initiative. The result of that is indifference, loss of interest in everything. Laziness, coupled with indifference, is a very dangerous mix. Such a person will never take initiatives while complaining that he "does not have luck." And luck usually comes to those who do something to become lucky.

When a person is not self-confident and lazy, he, as a rule, has no desire to look for new opportunities, to learn something new. For example, even if he is offered a well-paid job, he will say to himself: “No, this is not for me. I still can’t do anything - I’m not competent enough. ” The idea that you can learn something and thereby increase your competence simply does not come to his mind. He will still complain about the low wages and the inability to arrange his life.

This phenomenon is called "learned (or conditioned) helplessness." To put it very simply, it means that a person is sure that whatever he undertakes, his life will only get worse. Initiative is always punishable. Therefore, it is much wiser to do nothing at all.

What can we do about it? How to get out of this vicious circle? Richard Branson gave the only working piece of advice: if you decided to do something, stop doubting! Simply do it! But for many, this will not work. The reason for this is their low energy.

Low energy is a consequence of our neurosis. Andrei Kurpatov (a Russian psychotherapist) wrote that all the energy of a neurotic goes to the maintenance of his heurosis. Nothing is left for anything else. What can we do about it ? Go to a psychotherapist. 50 hours of therapy will make you feel really better. You only have to find a good specialist.

You can, of course, try to figure it out yourself, but time and effort necessary for this may be much longer. The most important thing is to work on our self-love. Books by Louise Hay can help you in that. You can read them all and – which is the most important thing - gradually introduce positive affirmations into your life. Do it every day. Start talking to yourself every morning, looking at yourself in the mirror: “I love you”! It is necessary to learn to love yourself not for something, but just like that, for nothing, just because our closest person and the best friend is ourselves. If we are not able to support ourselves, then why do we expect that from others?

I also was deprived of unconditional love in my childhood. I only was loved for what I achieved. I also was demanded "to be a good girl." When I wasn’t a good girl, they punished me for it. As a result, I grew up a person lacking self-confidence and self-esteem, like most of my peers. And I have needed a very long work on myself to say today: “Yes, I love myself! I am proud of myself"! And I am proud of myself just like that, for nothing. I no longer need other people’s approval to feel good. I do not live for someone. I live in order to realize myself. And believe me, this approach to life is much more constructive than eternal self-blaming.

Last but not least – forget forever all the rubbish like « I've always been unlucky », « I will never succed », « I always do everything wrong », « No one will ever love me », « I am not born to be lucky » and othes staff like that. Because in life we usually get not waht we deserve, but what we choose, even subconsciously.

What is self-acceptance?

It has become fashionable to talk about accepting yourself and raising self-esteem. But for many, these concepts remain an abstraction, an empty sound, mainly because of their use to the place and out of place, and also because of multitude of recommendations that sometimes mutually exclude each other.

But it is as simple as all ingenious things usually are. What do I think about that? I have read hundreds of books on self-development. Some have helped me, and some turned out to be empty. But I rely mainly on my own thoughts and on my own practice of working on myself. And books only help me in this.

When a child is born , he is happy because he is considered beautiful as he is. A baby is not compared to anyone but is accepted as he is. But then “expulsion from paradise” begins: the child starts to be constantly opposed to others. And it does not matter at all whether they consider him better or worse than others. Both cases are equally bad. After all, if a child is considered better than others he wants to prove anyone he really is. If he is considered worse than others, he will begin to doubt himself and also think he is inferior to someone else.

In both cases, a person develops an unstable self-esteem - a person always hesitates between “I am the best” and “I am complete shit”. As a result, he becomes a neurotic.

Self-esteem is, in theory, the self-assessment of a man. But in fact, our self-esteem very early begins to depend on the opinions of others. We are praised - and our self-esteem rises to the skies. We are scolded - and it immediately falls down. That is what we call unstable self-esteem.

Ideally, a person should not depend on external judgments. And for this you need just to stop comparing yourself to others. Just say to yourself: “Jane is Jane, and I am me.” I am not worse and not better than him or her; we are just different. Full stop. And if this is so, I can accept myself and not anyone else. Not in comparison with someone, but just as I am. I am, and therefore I am wonderful! And I have to live my life as well as possible – my own life, and not Jane’s or someone else’s.

Very often I meet recommendations like: “to accept yourself, write a list of your positive qualities”, “write what you are able to do”, etc. As for me, all these tips just don’t work. They are the continuation of the dependence on other people’s judgments. Everyone of us keeps evolving. A person keeps developing; everyone is constantly changing. If today you do not have some quality or you do not know something, nothing can prevent you from developing this in yourself in the future. But you have to accept yourself right now. After all, this is the foundation on which everything else is built. No foundation - the building will collapse. It is exactly the same with self-acceptance.

A normal, natural state of a person is when he enjoys himself. Not because he is the best in something; he just is. That is how little children feel. I am, and I am cool! Right now – I am cool. And I can be even better if I want.

And what about those who compare, who condemn and who treat you negatively? Just forget them. Learn not to care. These people simply do not accept themselves. So how can they accept you?